Can’t sleep

I can’t sleep, I feel tired though.

However I seem to have the weight of work on my shoulders and am worrying what the day may bring, all because of a stupid sofa I am cutting out of fabric!!

If it was a plain pattern I wouldn’t be feeling like this but it’s a pattern fabric and I’ve got a feeling I need to somehow pattern match everything. 😩

Don’t think I’m cut out for this – there must be more to life than this?

When do you start thing ‘I don’t need this shit?’

‘When do you starting wanting an simple life?’

Unfortunately the way things are (Covid), I know there aren’t many jobs out there and I don’t want to put myself in a position where I don’t have a job OR can’t get a job.

So what if someone doesn’t get a perfect sofa, with perfect squiggles in perfect places. Bloody stupid design anyway.

Might be moving

It’s very exciting, however I hate waiting and at the minute it’s only a ‘might’.

Bigger house means I need more furniture. So many sales on at the minute and it’s an ideal time to buy. . . But I’m not sure if we are moving. It’s so frustrating!

Got so many ideas going around in my head at the minute and my brain is one big colour explosion.

I even drew the layout of the ‘possible’ new house today and my teenage daughter got excited planning where stuff might go. She’s even more excited because we’ve got space to create a photography studio and art room!

So exciting! I am liking this distraction – it’s helping me forget the ‘work issue’. I’ve been back this week after being furloughed – it started off ok but yesterday was a horrible day and I’ve never felt so stressed. I definitely need to find a job that’s right for me – the one I’m in ‘isn’t the one’. Got to be grateful though that I’ve actually got a job.

Back to work

Well after being furloughed for over 2 months … I have had to go back to work.

First thought – Fear!! I suppose I was worried about being in contact with more people and therefore at a higher risk of contracting the virus.

Second thought – Will I actually remember all the stuff I was learning in my job as a trainer fabric cutter for an upholsterers?

I was actually dreading going back to work. I didn’t want the stress again. It’s got me thinking ‘am I in the right job?’

I suppose being off has allowed me to ‘relax’ and enjoy the family life again. I was a full time mum when the kids were young and being furloughed has helped me ‘reconnect’ with them.

However, I went back to work Monday and I have to admit – I actually miss not being at home. I miss my dog cuddles!

Work is ok – I have made quite a few mistakes and yes I have forgotten quite a lot of what I have previously learned. I actually feel quite stupid! I have got to remember though – I only started in September and have had over 2 months off, so I haven’t actually been there that long.

Got to be grateful though, there are so many people out there who have lost their jobs in this pandemic.

Struggling to let go

I’m a mum to a near 19 year old son, he has a few issues which I am sure a lot of people do.

I know I need to let go and let him make his own mistakes but I don’t want to see him get hurt.

He may be nearly 19 but he has always been younger than his years and he has had to struggle with anxiety, ADD, OCD and sensory processing disorder. I know I have protected him and probably a bit much at that.

He was bullied when he was in high school and because he’s not good socially I have always helped him along the way.

I helped him choose and look round sixth forms, I helped him write his CV, I helped him write letters for jobs applications and get him to and from interviews, even helped him with his script for the interview etc etc

I know things are worse because of the lock down and the corona virus but I can’t seem to let him go. He mentioned last week about college work needing to be in this week… I asked him today if he has done it and he just smirked and went back in his room.

I then spent 5 mins writing him texts about the importance of getting his work in, that it may affect his apprenticeship and his job. Of course my messages got ignored .

I feel I don’t know my own son. He doesn’t talk to me and I have no idea what’s going on in his life.

So what are we meant to do as parents? When does our job finish? When do you say ‘enough is enough’?

Too early for summer?

I’m sat here watching film after film trying to pass the time away.

Is it too early to get my summer clothes down and sort them out?

Yesterday was a lovely warm sunny day but today is blooming freezing.

I’ve just ordered some more storage boxes to try and organise my room. I’ve got so many clothes and no where to put them.

Can a girl have too many clothes? I’ve been through them and have got rid of some – the others?? Well I might wear them. I might 🤔I think I’m going to make it my mission to try and wear something different and not my usual selection. I always stick to the same things, I suppose I always go for the safe option.

I’m not a hugger

I have never been a hugger. My childhood didn’t involve hugs or kisses. I can’t even remember my parents saying that they loved me.

I vowed to be different with my kids and you know what – I am! I hug them (when they let me), I kiss them (when they let me) and most importantly I regularly say ‘I love you’.

So why can’t I be a hugger to friends?

I’ve had past relationships where I’ve been cheated on. All barr one in fact.

I cringe and wince when my husband hugs another woman, the old ‘she’s just a friend’ saying always rings through my mind…. because they have never been just a friend.

I like ‘a distance’ and to be honest it always seems to be the respectful thing. I respect my relationship and my husband. I could never hug a person of the opposite sex.

I think it’s also the fact I am frightened of getting close to people… because in the past ‘those so called friends’ have not been true friends after all. For example my best friend slept with my sons dad when I was pregnant – nice hey.

I am wary… I won’t lie.

However this Corona outbreak and the social distancing has kind of grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me.

I miss my friends – ok I can video call but it’s not the same.

I might and start hugging a bit more when this is all over.

Thing is ‘I’m frightened of getting hurt again’.

Lockdown – Betty style ‘Day one’

Well, I was sent home yesterday from work and I am now at home for the foreseeable.

When I got home yesterday evening I actually did some video calls (which I never do) to my brother and a good friend…. it actually made me feel really positive.

I even had a celebratory Sherry!

We’re not allowed to go out now – only for essential food shop, 1 time out for daily exercise, to and from work (if working at home isn’t possible) and emergencies.

I’ve got 2 labradors and you should have seen their faces when I said I couldn’t take them out as much as I used to! We’ve now set up a timetable and are taking it in turns throughout the day – I’m on the bedtime shift! Walking the dogs is classed as exercise.

Our main food shop in town has announced that you can only go shopping on your own and not with your spouse! Toilet roll doesn’t seem to exist anymore and neither does pasta or antibacterial wipes.

We’re now not allowed to congregate with others (only with people from your household). You can be fined if you do.

First full day at home and I’ve never drunk so much tea (that’s what us English do best – keep calm and drink tea, it’s solves everything).

I’ve helped my daughter with her English work, I’ve even watched a horror film (no one else will watch them with me). I’ve worked out next months money (so I know what I’ve got to work with) and now I have decided to do some sewing. I love sewing!!

My daughter has made tea (or dinner… whatever you call it) as part of her home economics work. I am trying to get her to keep her school timetable as best as she can – keep the routine, however, her English teacher seems to be sending work daily (even on a non English day) 🤔

I even videoed myself reading a children’s book and sent it to my brother so he can show my niece and nephew!

Rather productive day.

Super mum?

Sorry I’ve not posted for a while – I’ve had issues going on and my mind has been elsewhere.

When a problem arises at home, especially when it concerns my children it amazes me where I find the strength, the oomph, the energy to find an answer.

I feel quite shit though because I’m going through so many resources – I’m tired, so very tired, I’m not sleeping and you know what? I still don’t feel like I am anywhere nearer ‘fixing’ the problem.

Mental health issues are a b@&£/)£ they really are.

I myself have been there and in the end resorted to anti depressants and counselling. It was counselling that saved me and I would recommend it to anyone – you’ve just got to find the right therapist for you.

However when mental health issues start affecting my children (attacking their innocent minds) – according to ‘Officials’ “you’ve got to wait until they ask for help” because he’s now 18.

This is not what I want to hear!! I can see he needs help, I want to try and help before things get worse…. before this horrible illness affects drains him of what he used to be, before it affects his work, his future.

So for now all I can do is ‘research’ and offer ‘suggestions’. He’s currently at his dads this weekend – I’m sat in a lovely hotel room, being pampered by my husband and all I can think about it my son.

I’ve even cancelled a long weekend away to the Cotswolds because I don’t want to leave him on his own. Wouldn’t forgive myself if I wasn’t there when we needed me.

Life should have sound effects

Don’t you think life would be so much simpler if it had sound effects?

Thinking about it, I think I try to do my own backing track – I always randomly burst out into song or have a song going on in my head, it’s normally music that I haven’t heard in a while…. but for some reason it just materialises.

If I’m angry it’s normally something with with a bit of bite. Loving – a soppy song.

If something dramatic happens I normally do a ‘bum bum buuuummmmm’ 😂

Just imagine ….sound suddenly kicks in before something happens and gives you a kind of warning ⚠️

I mean, Wouldn’t it be great if you get the jaws theme tune to warn you that danger is approaching. For example – an enemy is nearing.

Or you walk through the door of a venue and your suddenly welcomed by a fanfare or Shirley Basseys ‘Hey big Spender’.

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